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You know how you tell yourself you’re going to change the way you do x,y and z by such and such a date, but then the time gets there and you don’t change?  I’ve thought a lot about why that happens to me sometimes.  I’ve realized that it happens for two reasons.  First, the goals are usually selfish and unrealistic, and second, I don’t even want it bad enough to motivate myself to change.

Every time I try and tell myself I want to change my eating habits or start working out consistently, my aim always seems to be off.  Wanting to be super skinny is just stupid, usually hazardous and and adds way more stress than is necessary, but I have to admit that years previous to this, that was my sole motivation.  No wonder I was never able to accomplish it….it has never been what I REALLY WANTED.

What I wanted was happiness.  In my warped little mind, happiness=thinness.  Now that I AM happy, and NOT THIN, I can see that the two are completely unrelated, and each is do-able without the other.

My motivation changed when I became a mommy.  All along, I knew that once Baby Girl hit the 1 year old mark, that things were going to change without me feeling like I’m forcing it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a struggle, but being mindful of how I treat my body seems to happen more naturally, without the constant weigh-ins, ideal weight photos on the fridge, rubber band snapping on the wrist, blah blah blah.  All that is kinda bullshit anyway.

I don’t have time to punish myself any more.  I am too old and too content with my life to feel a whole bunch of angst about the size of my body.  I don’t need to be told it doesn’t define me, because I know it doesn’t and I’m only just now realizing it only had in the past when I let it…..which was way too often.

When I take good care of myself, all these thoughts and feeling, things i’ve wrestled with forever….it all becomes very clear and very simple to me.  That’s motivation enough to keep going, baby or no baby.

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